The Kardashians have never met a vacation they didn’t take.
And so it was that Kimberly Noel Kardashian West’s family went to a private island for her 40th birthday. It is not going over well because no one wants or needs rich people to be happy, least of all to tell us about it.
On a regularly bleak Tuesday, Kim tweeted a thread that included this message: “After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could pretend things were normal just…
Problem number one: I’m being evicted. Which is a big problem for me, the institution of me, and all parties interested in my well-being, namely me.
Problem number two: Canada’s governor general Julie Payette absolutely HAAAATES it here. This is is a big problem for you, the nation as a whole and dorks in their entirety, namely constitutional dorks.
She went up to space, came back down, and it has been awful for her since then. (It was worse for the lady she killed, or, um, who was fatally dead after a collision with a car in which Payette happened…
Every once in a while, someone has an opinion I disagree with. Usually it’s a white person at the National Post so I chortle, savage highly selective quotes on Twitter and then move on with my time.
But this time, the wrong person is a fellow sistren of colour whose work and intellect I highly respect. Sadiya Ansari, a writer for Chatelaine magazine, recently published, “The Problem With Johnny, And 9 Other Reasons Dirty Dancing Is Actually Trash”. I feel like the call is coming from inside the house.
This is a nightmare.
To begin with, no valid criticism of…
A Beyoncé album is coming. It is inevitable and it will surprise you. Like the apocalypse, or herpes.
In all her benevolence, King Bey has already prepared you.
In a move so stealth that Mossad took notes, she used Rihanna’s album release the week prior to get us all to sign up for Tidal. Beyoncé used Rihanna as a loss leader. Then just in case you forgot that Beyoncé still has the power to fuck up your schedule, she put out the video for “Formation” ONE DAY ahead of her Super Bowl performance. (There are rumours that Coldplay was…
A review of the most important news from Canada
Canada is a small but mighty nation. Its citizens are polite and fair-minded people. This year, they’re allowing the son of a local man to learn the value of a dollar and leadership skills by installing him as Prime Minister. There is so much to know about these crafty Canadians. For example, the DNA of Canadian citizens is 99.9% genetically identical to polar bears; This explains their translucent fur and appetite for seals. …
He is a Good Guy(TM). He’s not out here to do anything but his job. But when the asteroids come raining down, he will sacrifice himself for you. He may know more about what is going on. He may even need to return as a ghostly apparition to get you through. He may evacuate a ship of several hundred personnel and lose his own life in the process. He may be someone’s dad. But he’s not going to hold it over you: He’s just here to do his job and if that means saving lives, then cool.
Sample lyrics: “Hello, can you hear me? / I’m in California dreaming about who we used to be”
Adele makes you cry. Adele remembers how you felt when you decided to take up running the week after your break-up because now you had all this time — it is weird how much time another person is — and it was either running or eating that block of cheese again. You laced up and you hoped that crying looked like sweating. Adele can put that feeling to a pulsing beat that hits all the octaves.
Some Possible Theories
Every white — and white-aspiring person — has a plaid shirt. I imagine they talk about it the way some people talk about losing their virginity or getting a driver’s license. “When did you first wear plaid?” “Who gave you your first plaid?” “Wow. I’ve never met one of us who got plaid so late.”
Black women do not wear plaid. Based on an survey of black women who responded to my text, 90% of black women do not own a plaid shirt. (“Lol. No. Who is this?”) The last 10% only bought one because she wanted…
Artist: Taylor Swift
Song: “Wildest Dreams”
Sample lyrics: “He’s so tall, and handsome as hell / He’s so bad but he does it so well”
Taylor Alison Swift is a music phenom. Once a country-pop crossover darling, she is now a diva in her own right. Like a true diva, she takes throwing shade to high art. In a 2014 interview with Rolling Stone, she said, “She basically tried to sabotage an entire arena tour. She tried to hire a bunch of people out from under me. And I’m surprisingly non-confrontational — you would not believe how much I…
Artist: Matty B or MattyBRaps
Song: “Juicy” (Cover)
UPDATE: Between writing and publication, this video disappeared from the YouTubes. This post may be the only record of the event. If I disappear, you know who to look for.
Sample Lyrics: Thinkin’ back to what rhymes with Matt / Now my mom rocks a hat with my name on the back, uh / And she loves to show me off, of course / Smiles every time my face is up in Billboard
NOTE: Is it fair to judge a child? No, but this isn’t about fairness. This is about audacity…