The Kardashians have never met a vacation they didn’t take.

And so it was that Kimberly Noel Kardashian West’s family went to a private island for her 40th birthday. It is not going over well because no one wants or needs rich people to be happy, least of all to tell us about it.

On a regularly bleak Tuesday, Kim tweeted a thread that included this message: “After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could pretend things were normal just for a brief moment in time.” …


Problem number one: I’m being evicted. Which is a big problem for me, the institution of me, and all parties interested in my well-being, namely me.

Problem number two: Canada’s governor general Julie Payette absolutely HAAAATES it here. This is is a big problem for you, the nation as a whole and dorks in their entirety, namely constitutional dorks.

Who is Julie Payette and why?


Every once in a while, someone has an opinion I disagree with. Usually it’s a white person at the National Post so I chortle, savage highly selective quotes on Twitter and then move on with my time.

But this time, the wrong person is a fellow sistren of colour whose work and intellect I highly respect. Sadiya Ansari, a writer for Chatelaine magazine, recently published, “The Problem With Johnny, And 9 Other Reasons Dirty Dancing Is Actually Trash”. I feel like the call is coming from inside the house.

This is a nightmare.

To begin with, no valid criticism of Dirty Dancing begins by referencing the hideous creation that was Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights. (I firmly believe that film prolonged the US embargo on Cuba. Don’t @ me. …


A Beyoncé album is coming. It is inevitable and it will surprise you. Like the apocalypse, or herpes.

In all her benevolence, King Bey has already prepared you.

In a move so stealth that Mossad took notes, she used Rihanna’s album release the week prior to get us all to sign up for Tidal. Beyoncé used Rihanna as a loss leader. Then just in case you forgot that Beyoncé still has the power to fuck up your schedule, she put out the video for “Formation” ONE DAY ahead of her Super Bowl performance. (There are rumours that Coldplay was the headliner but I never saw them. There’s also word of a football game of some sort.) …


A review of the most important news from Canada

Canada is a small but mighty nation. Its citizens are polite and fair-minded people. This year, they’re allowing the son of a local man to learn the value of a dollar and leadership skills by installing him as Prime Minister. There is so much to know about these crafty Canadians. For example, the DNA of Canadian citizens is 99.9% genetically identical to polar bears; This explains their translucent fur and appetite for seals. …


  1. The Selfless Hero

He is a Good Guy(TM). He’s not out here to do anything but his job. But when the asteroids come raining down, he will sacrifice himself for you. He may know more about what is going on. He may even need to return as a ghostly apparition to get you through. He may evacuate a ship of several hundred personnel and lose his own life in the process. He may be someone’s dad. But he’s not going to hold it over you: He’s just here to do his job and if that means saving lives, then cool.

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Artist: Adele

Song: Hello

Sample lyrics: “Hello, can you hear me? / I’m in California dreaming about who we used to be”

THE RUNDOWN

Her sophomore album — 21 — is the only album from the 2000s to appear on the Top 30 list of all-time best selling albums. Proving that Your Fave Could Never, neither Taylor Swift, Beyonce, Kanye or Justin Bieber make an appearance on the list. (2014’s largest selling album was the Frozen soundtrack; if Elsa didn’t have you up in your feelings, then you are not human.) She is a truly original voice for the 21st century. …


Some Possible Theories

Every white — and white-aspiring person — has a plaid shirt. I imagine they talk about it the way some people talk about losing their virginity or getting a driver’s license. “When did you first wear plaid?” “Who gave you your first plaid?” “Wow. I’ve never met one of us who got plaid so late.”

Black women do not wear plaid. Based on an survey of black women who responded to my text, 90% of black women do not own a plaid shirt. (“Lol. No. Who is this?”) The last 10% only bought one because she wanted to blend in with white people. …


Artist: Taylor Swift

Song: “Wildest Dreams”

Sample lyrics: “He’s so tall, and handsome as hell / He’s so bad but he does it so well”

THE RUNDOWN


Artist: Matty B or MattyBRaps

Song: “Juicy” (Cover)

UPDATE: Between writing and publication, this video disappeared from the YouTubes. This post may be the only record of the event. If I disappear, you know who to look for.

Sample Lyrics: Thinkin’ back to what rhymes with Matt / Now my mom rocks a hat with my name on the back, uh / And she loves to show me off, of course / Smiles every time my face is up in Billboard

NOTE: Is it fair to judge a child? No, but this isn’t about fairness. This is about audacity. How Dare You? …

About

Vicky Mochama

When I was 11, I lost a pair of black and white Adidas runners somewhere between Minneapolis and Chicago. My life's goal is to get them back. Those exact ones.

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