Black Women Don’t Wear Plaid

Some Possible Theories

Every white — and white-aspiring person — has a plaid shirt. I imagine they talk about it the way some people talk about losing their virginity or getting a driver’s license. “When did you first wear plaid?” “Who gave you your first plaid?” “Wow. I’ve never met one of us who got plaid so late.”

Black women do not wear plaid. Based on an survey of black women who responded to my text, 90% of black women do not own a plaid shirt. (“Lol. No. Who is this?”) The last 10% only bought one because she wanted to blend in with white people. It’s a cultural trend that even Google agrees with:

Of the three black women in that search, one is wearing no plaid (still, werq), a plaid scarf (glamorously so), and a plaid skirt (BRAP BRAP! not a shirt though).

• It is a lowkey Confederate flag. It’s a wink between white people to say, “that Darius Rucker shouldn’t be singing our music. Now that’s cultural appropriation.”
• Nobody looks good and in plaid and black women are faaaaab.
• It’s the best way to avoid being invited to a Country Music night or a farm.
• Plaid is as basic a pumpkin spice lattes and Ugg boots. Plaid is the ur-basic clothing item.
• Plaid does not look good on a fuller figure. Look at Michelle Obama in that middle picture! Look how hard Barack is laughing at her. MICHELLE. OBAMA. Looks horrific in plaid. Barack Obama should write an Executive Order permitting secret renditions for the next person to put plaid on an Obama woman.

• Black women already have their own tribal wear like dashikis, weaves, and flawless lipstick.
• Depending on what accent you have, plaid sounds like ‘played’.
• Flashbacks. I’m not saying all people in plaid are racists but I would bet all the money that Jim-Bob Hillbilly the III riding up black family homes in his all-white get-up was wearing a blue plaid shirt. Not all plaid-wearers are racists but all racists wear plaid.
• Life is too short to try to blend in; we weren’t going to anyways.