A review of the most important news from Canada

Canada is a small but mighty nation. Its citizens are polite and fair-minded people. This year, they’re allowing the son of a local man to learn the value of a dollar and leadership skills by installing him as Prime Minister. There is so much to know about these crafty Canadians. For example, the DNA of Canadian citizens is 99.9% genetically identical to polar bears; This explains their translucent fur and appetite for seals. Moreover, a Canadian can produce a fully-functioning car from nothing but a small pile of leaves, a colourful pashmina and an Olympic gold medal in hockey.

If these facts are new to you, then this is a chance to educate yourself on Canadians and how they have fared in 2015.

1. PHOTOS: Canadian photographer caught in poo-storm from giant sperm whale (Updated), As It Happens, January 22 2015

This was the first strike in the Whale Wars currently happening on Canada’s coasts. First, the Cetacean Mafia sent an emissary to intimidate an innocent photographer. Months later, they would leave an improvised explosive blue whale on the shore of an idyllic Newfoundland beach town.

This photo is at the heart of a resolution awaiting a vote by the UN Security Council. Canada will not stand for this hostility.

2. Pat Martin says tight underwear led him to leave seat during vote, CBC News, February 19 2015

Politics in Canada is fast-paced and it changes every minute. So the public was incensed — INCENSED I TELL YA — when a Member of Parliament voted, left then came back. Well, hoo boy, not in this Parliament. Not when the nation is at war. Answers were demanded. Rumors of impeachment swirled. An inquiry suggested. The government looked likely to fall. But the MP confessed: He was but a poorly paid servant of the public so when he saw a deal for men’s underwear, he scrounged up some cash, size be damned. Canadians, ever a forgiving people, forgave him and wanted to know more about where to get this discount underwear. Canadians are very into discount unmentionables.

3. Ottawa thief throws eye at lawyer, The Ottawa Citizen, March 7 2015

Canadians are a politically active people. This citizen challenged notions of ownership and theft by stealing his own eye from its socket. By throwing it at his lawyer, he further asked: Can the law govern the control we exercise over our bodies, and what are the limits to habeus corpus? He also asked: Um, can I get that eye back?

4. ALERT: A Canadian Guy Has Created “A Poutine Tornado”, Buzzfeed, April 13 2015

Every Canadian remembers where they were when the Poutine Tornado levelled the nation. Tornado trackers say they’ve never seen this many fries hit all at once. There are still sections of Manitoba completely drenched in gravy. The man responsible was not jailed because he apologized and that seemed fair enough.

5. Ontario man finds baby moose, takes it to Tim Hortons, CTV News, May 21 2015

Canadians love nature. They have so much of it so it’d be kind of a waste if they didn’t. The Canadian response to finding a wild animal is to take to Tim Hortons which is a kind of animal sanctuary that can be found in most Canadian communities.

6. Police shoot and kill black bear in Newmarket, Ont., Global News, June 1 2015

“Unfortunately, the bear decided it was going to come down out of the tree and because of public safety concerns, police felt that they needed to act, and they did, and that’s their call,” said the police because of course. #BlackBearsMatter.

Sure. This seems like a proportionate response to finding a bear in the woods.

7. Is it too late to save Canada’s national horse?, The Toronto Star, June 19 2015

“There’s a common saying in the horse world: “A dog may be man’s best friend, but the horse wrote history.”” begins this piece in the Toronto Star. It buries two key piece of information: not only can horses speak (in “their” world) but they also write bad versions of history. Canadians do not like horses with an attitude.

8. Winnipeg police helicopter accidentally broadcasts oral sex conversation to people on ground, The National Post, June 23 2015

Canadian helicopters are sentient and absolutely filthy. The President of the United States rides in his helicopter, Marine One; the Canadian Prime Minister doesn’t have a helicopter because Canada can’t risk the international incident that would ensue. It’s a close-held secret but it got out this time. The Winnipeg police apologised (of course) but the helicopter wouldn’t and just smirked the whole time.

9. If we want to ask Stephen Harper questions, we have to give his party $78,000, Vice Canada, August 24 2015

Canadians haaaaate being asked questions. Seriously, go and ask one a question right now, but be ready to duck. One man, a Stephen J. Harper of Calgary, revolutionized how Canadians would deal with inquiries in the future. For the price of a third of a Lamborghini with no extra features, you can ask any Canadian all your questions. Citizens have asked that you write cheques directly to the Conservative Party of Canada and put “Questions” in the memo. Please respect their traditions.

10. National election race a toss-up for 14th straight day, CTV News, September 24th

Mike Myers, Jim Carrey, Catherine O’Hara, Rick Moranis. Canadians have a strong comedy heritage. We saw this during their most recent federal election wherein the Canadian public pranked pollsters for almost 90 days straight.

Canada’s SCTV really pioneered the art of using telephone polling data as a humour device. SNL would later pick it up and then rapidly drop it.

11. Peter Mansbridge officiated the wedding of Justin Trudeau’s Director of Communications, Canadaland, November 11 2015

As all Canadians know and as the name implies, Peter Mansbridge is both a man and a bridge. For that reason alone, he is the Voice of Canada on the Show of Canada, The National, which is broadcast on, uh, the Broadcaster of Canada. However, the public funds are running low so he has made himself available to officiate weddings, DJ bar mitzvahs and emcee New Year’s Eve parties. Canadians receive a thirty percent discount.

12. Butter shortage forces Canada to import 8.8 million pounds of butter, As It Happens, December 18 2015

There’s a thing that Canadians do shortly before midnight on boxing day and it requires a lot of butter. It’s complicated to explain but suffice it to say that the Dutch have tried it and can’t do it, the Argentineans have banned it, and the South Africans can’t get the butter to the right temperature. A butter shortage will cripple this mighty but very flexible nation.

As you head into 2016 — Beardate 1982 on the Canadian calendar — take this knowledge of Canadians with you. Though you may find their claws to be fearsome and their intent to be occasionally murderous, remember that Canadians are super sorry about it. They thought you were a seal.

If you like this, you can find me on Twitter Vicky Mochama, and on Medium (medium.com/vmochama). Subscribe to NOT SORRY to stay up-to-date on all things Canadian. If you have money, hire me.

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