How Dare You? : Nick Jonas’ “Jealous” Gospel Version
Artist: Nick Jonas
Song: “Jealous”
Sample Lyrics: “’Cause you’re too sexy, beautiful / And everybody wants to taste / That’s why (that’s why) / I still get jealous”
NOTE: the gospel version replaces ‘hellish’ and ‘sexy’ with ‘can’t help it’ and ‘crazy’ because that is how Christ would have written about envy.
THE RUNDOWN
Nick Jonas is a Jonas brother. He used to be in The Jonas Brothers. There might be some differences between the former and the latter but microscopes are expensive. The thing to know here is that Nick, Son of Jonas, used to be way down with G.O.D. Which is presumably why he: a) wrote a song about 43% of the Seven Deadly Sins and b) why he also recorded a gospel version of the same song.
Still, Nick Jonas — not to be confused with Joe Jonas, Kevin Jonas or Jonah Ryan Jonah from Veep but, like, no one would be mad if you did though — is not the whole story .
THE BREAKDOWN
Right away, there are many questions. Did this fabulous gospel choir descend on him like a flash mob from heaven? Are those curtains pinned to the wall? Is this a dorm room? Why is Nick Jonas there? Who is the lady in the zebra print who did not get the memo?
Look what they wore! Look what he wore! How very dare you, sir? There are many strong cases for reparations, but I would start right here with the disrespect of his outfit. These people sing for the lord, Nicholas!
For thirty second, Nick of Jonas does his job ably. His singing is very okay to good! Thirty-six seconds in, however, the gods of gospel weary of mediocrity and sent down an angel.
Pictured above: A woman handing a man his life, and the man praying for sweet mercy. Judith Beheading Holofernes, but with music.
HOW NOT TO BE COOL: A Three-Part Guide
- How
2. Dare
3. You?
SOME GOOD CAN COME FROM THIS
DO DI MATHS
The How Dare You? Scoring system: The artist begins with 100 points for sheer audacity.
- Dancing does not appear to match music: -11
- Aims for ambitious notes with decent success: +13
- Is outsung on his own song despite having the only microphone: -14
- Has performed this live a.k.a just asking for it: -7
- Keeps video to a tidy 2-minute length (Original song is 4 minutes long; mercy must be granted): +20
- Wore a hoodie to film his own music video in which he is not, in fact, crying in the rain over a woman: -21 (LOOK AT HIM LOOK AT THEM JESUS)
- Not handing record deal to people behind him (-32)
- Does not cry in face of own mediocrity +15
Total Score: 60
AGNES IS MY MOM. AGNES HAS THE FINAL WORD.
“Why is this boy dressed like this? Doesn’t he have black friends to tell him not to be like this? Why can’t he dance like them? What is this boy’s name? They shouldn’t have put him in the choir in the front. Like line 3 in the back. He should fire his publicist.”
