I’ve Solved It: Housing, the Constitution and Landlords

Problem number one: I’m being evicted. Which is a big problem for me, the institution of me, and all parties interested in my well-being, namely me.

Problem number two: Canada’s governor general Julie Payette absolutely HAAAATES it here. This is is a big problem for you, the nation as a whole and dorks in their entirety, namely constitutional dorks.

Who is Julie Payette and why?

She went up to space, came back down, and it has been awful for her since then. (It was worse for the lady she killed, or, um, who was fatally dead after a collision with a car in which Payette happened to be behind the wheel of the car. We’ve all made mistakes, etc.)

And once, she was rude about astrology, saying it was unbelievable that people believe “that your future and every single one of the people here’s personalities can be determined by looking at planets coming in front of invented constellations.” This clear logical thinking is why Libras make the best astronauts.

But after farts in space, she has had to endure the indignity of being made governor general, a job she has held since 2017, where she has also spent much of that time in full Naomi Campbell cosplay.

These “debriefs” sound de-long and terrible.

Not being a constitutional dork myself, I don’t know how you “fire” the governor general. But, like, if Netflix star Queen Elizabeth II has to step in, let’s get it done.

In addition to being a general tyrant, Payette literally hates it here. By here, I mean the official residence in Ottawa, Rideau Hall, that the governor general gets for all the things they do that I definitely know about.

Since 2017, the government has been begging her to move in to Rideau Hall. Like every good landlord (with the exception of one!), they said they’d clean the place, replace the lightbulbs and repaint any walls that look scuffed. Just really give it the full Government of Canada treatment: it would be good enough.

Like her idol before her, she has standards, honey. She came in with a list.

The staircase started as a private cat door, and other metaphors for government projects.

Until her requests are met, she won’t move into Rideau Hall, choosing to instead live just outside the gates in Rideau Gate.

Two Birds

Let me live at Rideau Hall. And let me be governor general.

I need a place to live. And Rideau Hall’s 173 rooms might work for me and my roommate and our dog. We could find a way to make it work.

And the country needs a governor general. I am fairly malleable, love travelling for work and honestly don’t know where my keys to my current place are so a series of locks and doors would be disastrous. Think of the cost savings. I would also ban meetings on the plane. That’s nap time.

Moreover, I need a home. The governor general job comes with 2! Two and a half if you count this Rideau Gate spot. No couches or air mattresses for my guests! A whole house that is also a gate.

Because I dislike Ottawa the way I dislike hiking (it’s not for me, I like it for you and let’s agree to not talk about it for more than five minutes), I can switch it up and spend summers in Quebec City at the Citadelle, A REAL DEAL FIVE-STAR FORT.

Imagine leaving your phone charger in one of the points of the star.

Why is Julie Payette languishing in some uncreatively named mini-mansion in Ottawa awaiting a secret staircase for cats when she could live on a military base on a cliff ? What does space do to a brain? And why am I putting labels on boxes — labels that are ultimately lies because I do not have “linens” as much as I have “bed fabric” — and looking for a house in this economy?

Why is anyone grimly scrolling? With 173 rooms in one spot, some gate-house rooms and a military base-ish at my disposal, we can get some roofs over some heads this winter. Obviously some rooms are ballrooms or gramophone rooms, which we’ll keep because we deserve to dance. Still, the more the merrier.

Is this a solution? This doesn’t feel like a solution.

Look. We’re in a pandemic and an unstable economy, and if that person doesn’t want to a) do their job; b) live in the free house that comes with it and c) not be a monster to the overworked public servants who’d prefer not to cry in their Ford Focus after touring an aquatic centre in suburban British Columba, then we need other answers.

I specifically need one and this one just happens to work for me.

When I was 11, I lost a pair of black and white Adidas runners somewhere between Minneapolis and Chicago. My life's goal is to get them back. Those exact ones.

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